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The thing you are going to have to realize is that he's not willing nor is he going to readily change his attitude, even though he understands that he's not acting as a good father. Maybe some day when the Kids are grown, he'll realize what he has missed, but until then the best thing you can do is make the children as happy and secure as you are capable. Help them to understand that their father still loves them, but has other interests at are more important to him at this time.

Your goal should be to shelter your children from trauma that could damage their own self-esteem. That said, there are a lot of things that children can know without risking too much damage.

If you can talk to your children about personal responsibility without bad-mouthing their father, you should do so. They will eventually connect the dots themselves, but be sure to emphasize that love and responsibility are separate things. If they think that their father fails to show up to see them because he doesn't love them, there could be far-reaching consequences.

The sad thing is that you have to promote a lie. If your ex really had a healthy capacity to love, he would understand and uphold his responsibilities. What you seem to be dealing with is a man whose general understanding of life and human relationships has been stunted. One wonders how much he suffered as a child to end up avoiding closeness.

My guess is that he has suffered some serious trauma that now causes him to avoid thinking about (perhaps even valuing) current relationships. When childhood relationships have been extremely stressful, people often shut down the thought processes that allow them to analyze and interpret personal connections. They maintain bonds only so long as they don't become too stressful, but at the first sign of stress, they abandon those relationships as completely as possible to avoid the strong feelings that they suffered so acutely in childhood.

Such people never allow themselves to think about, let alone analyze, relationship dynamics. When a relationship fails, they busy themselves with another one, hoping blindly that it won't disintegrate. Sadly, the behavior patterns that these people fail to analyze are as persistent as their ignorance, and their relationships fail over and over.

The big problem in your case is that your children are not old enough to not take their father's behavior personally. If I read things right, you have tried reasoning with him and he presents you with a brick wall. If so the best thing to do is to expose your children to as many positive male role models as possible. This strategy is a fire-fighting approach, but you really have no choice if you want your children to be able to put their father's behavior into perspective.

Good luck

Hi Kelly,

I am mid-divorce and have two children with my husband, soon to be ex-. I believe that you're right that he can not see what he's doing to the children. I also believe that he probably does see that the children are wonderful, and he thinks you're doing such a good job raising them that his involvement is only peripheral and optional. I'm not sure if you have told him in writing very specifically that he must not disappoint the children by changing the visitation schedule at his whim. If you wish his behavior to change, I would try firm letters with specific requests to him and his lawyer.

Now as for shielding the children, I don't think that's something that can be done effectively. My way would be to encourage them to take their disappointment directly to the source, to talk to their Dad about their feelings and what changes they would like to see. There's always a chance he will listen to them when he doesn't listen to you. It also tells the children that you are a safe person who will listen to their feelings and acknowledge them, even if you can not always step in and fix the problem.