Open2it Community Blog

It was  a long day - first day back to school for the girls and my high school biology teaching husband.  We were up at 5:30, well,  some of us were....

I've been nervous about this day for 2 weeks.  The first 2 weeks in months that I've felt good and life has had purpose.   Before then I was drifting from one depressed day to another.   I've been scared that I'd go back to drifting as soon as I got the girls dropped off.  I'd sit on the couch waiting until they got home for dinner  - I put it on the table at 7:15 sharp.  I feed the chickens at 4:30.

With the girls home for winter break we could play and read and just be together.  I thought it would be much harder having them here non-stop than it was.   I thought I might have to curl up and hide under my bed.

I've been struggling with depression on and off for years but it's been much worse in the last year - to the point that I rarely talk to people outside my immediate family.  The energy I used to have seems gone forever but today something happened.   I'm a freakin' teacher -just one notch to the right of entertainer.  Environmental education - think lots of public speaking and lots of background reading - ready to answer questions and explain the issues in a balanced, politically correct fashion - think restraint and open-mindedness and the kind of energy that fires people up, making them want to pay attention to mundane things such as environmental policy and personal environmental responsibilities.  Think physically and emotionally draining.  On top of that I ran all the business end of the non-profit  after building it from the ground up - while simultaneously raising 2 extremely emotionally challenging children, healing a fractured marriage, and clumsily handling the responsibilities that come with living in an extended family environment - my mother dying of secondary source lung cancer after a grueling 27 month as a survivor - the likelihood of which was somewhere close to being struck by lightning.... twice.    I've pretty much fallen off the face of the planet in one way or another for the past 4 years but most of 2008 was spent sitting on my couch in front of a laptop.  My laptop is even missing 4 keys I've used it so much....  I'm not sure doing what but it's always in my lap like my cat used to curl up in my lap before she disappeared - presumably munched by a coyote - a 20 year old cat probably wasn't much of a challenge.   I'm so maudlin. 

Today was the first Monday of the new year and this morning it was finally sunny for God's sake!  I dropped off the girls and drove to a park - sitting alone in the car, avoiding the empty house.   I thought maybe of stopping at Borders for a new book but I'm so obsessed with Twilight right now I'm sure I'd eventually find my way out to see the movie for the 12th time (I'm serious).  It was too early for Borders anyway.  The movie doesn't start for another 9 hours plus I'm essentially still in my pajamas.  

Then I got to thinking about how good the sunshine felt and this energy came to me.  The squirmy rush of potentials - all the things that might happen next spring - wetland field trips and stream teams with schools - God I used to love my work - back when I felt unstoppable - back when politics and money meant nothing and I could work 20 hours straight, ankle deep in the streams, mass emails, and careful scrutiny over policies and academic papers.  It was right there in the palm of my hand - ideas rushing but my shame was building; sick to my stomach over the responsibilities that have gone undone for reasons even I can't understand or explain.  I've been trapped in the dark,  struggling under layers of wet blankets.  But today was a new starting place. Maybe....

Anonymously sitting in the sunshine I got really brave and called a local businessman who wants to help get more outdoor experiences built into our local school curriculum - someone told him I could help but that was last fall & I couldn't find the energy to call him back.  Today I finally called back and confidently spoke into his answering machine.  I was disappointed. 

Strike 1 - everything takes so much emotional commitment to make happen.  I told myself to shake it off and try another person. 

I called a woman who's been helping coordinate field trips for 6th graders.  She's also a board member for the non-profit I used to work for back when we actually had paid employees.  We have classes that want to go to the wetlands this spring but it's contingent on me being able to handle the responsibility.  I had to swallow an awful lot of shame to call her after neglecting her for the last 4 months.  She answered right away and said she was so relieved to hear my voice.  (She probably thought I'd finally been hospitalized or in a drug induced stupor.  Who knows, I tried not to think about it....)  She'd have to call me back - on her way out the door - you'll answer your phone when I call you back right??  "Sure," I said but I wasn't really so sure. 

Strike 2.  It'll be hard to work up the confidence again.  

Fine.  I'm still sitting in my car.  The sun's still shining but I'm starting to feel the futility of trying to escape from the wet blanket hell.   I'm desperate to talk to someone who will talk to me without wondering if I'm sane today, without wondering how soon it will be before I'm not able to function again.  I've burned up most of the confidence I felt 15 minutes earlier and am feeling all the more defeated because it took so little to derail my positive emotion.   I took a deep breath and pushed "talk".

The familiar voice of an old friend answered - totally unaware of the monumental importance of that single act of just answering the phone.   He needed to drop his kids off and would call me right back. 

Ok. I can fiddle with something for the next 10 minutes - right??  I can make it - I mean what else is there to do - what's the worst that could happen.  I promised myself that when he called back I WOULD answer the phone.  I stared out the window and wondered about all the mail that's probably stacked up in the 2 months it's been since I've been to the office.  I wondered about the lease on the photocopier - it expired in November but I doubt anyone did anything about it.  I was starting to panic.  

Then the phone rang and I answered as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened - pretending for the time being that I was the same person he'd known for the last 17 years.   Maybe if I could bluff my way through the conversation long enough I might just even fool myself back to some semblance of confidence.   Enough to at least not completely crash on my first day flying solo in half a month.  

 It wasn't like he didn't know how I've been or that I didn't know how hard things have been in his life for the past few years - the last time we really talked he'd said the past is over and this is now and we'll help each other.   

This relationship has always been easy.  The comfortable safety of deep and true friendship, the conversation picks up where ever and just rolls.  We never run out of things to talk about and everything we talk about has weight but none of it has the harsh edge of obligation other than to be willing to listen and respond.   That's enough and I could do that and it made me feel good to finally be good at something non-domestic again.  I felt like I'd actually done something by the time we hung up.

 A successful phone conversation with an old friend.  That seems like an extraordinary way to have started the new year.  

Maybe tomorrow I'll be strong enough to actually answer the phone when someone calls to talk about field trips.